Are you mildly to not at all interested in sports results? Then read on and find out what the world of sports has to offer you. You may find that you are a bigger sports fan than you thought. 


UNDER  16s
Falcons vs Bundoora United FC
0 – 4
Falcons vs Eltham Redbacks
3 – 3
Shots!      Shots!      Shots!       Shots! Shots! Shots!        Everybody! 
This is a song by LMFAO about drinking shots in ‘da club’. I, however, am using it to talk about shots on goal because this is a sports report. Pretty smart huh? Thank you. Let’s get started.
Redbacks: fourth from the top of the table. Falcons: third from bottom. Redbacks: fifteen goals scored so far this season. Falcons: five goals. Five.
Star wipe to the half time show at WH Robinson Reserve, Sunday 26th May. The Falcons are leading the Redbacks three kickass goals to one. In forty minutes the Falcons have almost doubled the number of goals they have scored all season against a team who crushed them 7-0 and 10-1 in 2012 on the way to winning the entire competition. The general consensus seemed to be ‘This is awesome but… what’s happening? Did our team bus drive off a cliff and this is the afterlife? Why did no one want to sit next to me the whole trip? Did I forget deodorant this morning?  (Covert armpit sniffage while pretending to stretch back muscles) … Smells like springtime so why are we winning?’
I guess the Redbacks were pretty pissed off by the second half because they got something together and scored another two goals. But they did not win. No Sir. The match was a draw so perhaps deodorant was the winner on the day. Or perhaps we’ll never know. All we can know for sure is that we never actually owned a team bus, just a clubhouse full of dreams and lost property. Perhaps one day we will release a spoken word album named exactly that. It will sell millions and we will be asked to judge Australia’s Got Talent. We will decline for obvious reasons but one day write a book in which we remember the day this whole crazy ride began. Sunday 26th May 2013, the day we stopped losing and started to live.
Falcons vs. Maribyrnong Swifts
0 – 1
According to LMFAO, ladies love it when LMFAO pour shots. I can pour my own shots though and you probably can too. All it takes is a fully mobile set of distal interphalangeal, metacarpophelangeal, radiocarpal, inferior radioulnar and proximal radioulnar joints. So deal with that LMFAO.
The Division 3 Falcons were on Sunday competing against the Maribyrnong Swifts for the coveted title of winner. The combined age of the Falcons back line was calculated to be 185. The Swifts were probably looking at around 70. So the Falcons had the advantage in life experience, forethought and child-rearing while the Swifts had the advantage in energy, fitness and knowing it all. This turned out to be a very fair exchange as the half time score was nil all.
I regret to admit that I was unable to observe the second half of the game so I’ll assume it went down like this:
The Falcons were in prime condition, their bodies pictures of peak physical perfection as they cartwheeled and backflipped onto the field (and these pictures of peak physical perfection were not just any kind of picture; they were the kind that, when you get up really close, reveal themselves to be made up of many much tinier pictures).
The Falcons played like the ball was a weightless iron balloon and their feet highly charged electromagnets, electromagnets connected to a power supply of first-class crosses and alley-oops. At one point the Falcons completed 15 perfect passes in a row to activate the Unicorn Superwow powerplay. This gave all Falcons an extra three skill points and an additional life. Despite all this, the Swifts had their goal box forcefield activated to thwart any attempts at goal. They then used the incredibly difficult up-left-down-down-left move while in sprint mode to paralyse the entire Falcons back line and score the only goal of the match.
Game Over Falcons. Please Insert Coin.
Pip MacKay